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Humor

Air Force One

Bush Crime Family
Funny Cartoon by
Daniel Kurtzman a writer, editor and journalist

An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . .

Two doctors and an HMO manager died
and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them
to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said,
"I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities
" St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist.
I helped people rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and
said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by,
St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

Humor Post

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the
crotch of the person who screws up your day
and may their arms be too short to scratch...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Late Breaking News - Photo From Mars Proves ET Is On Mars

AHAJOKES


The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking
fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." 

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us
put on our life jackets. We're one short."
~~~~~~

Drunken Confession

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church
and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention,
but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times
in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate,
there's no paper in this one either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buttprints in the Sand

One night I had a wonderous dream,

One set of footprints there was seen,

The footprints of the Goddess they were,

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,

And I asked her, "What have we here?

These prints are large and round and neat,

But much too big to be from feet."
 
"My child," She said in somber tones,

"For miles I carried you alone.

I challenged you to walk in faith,

But you refused and made me wait."

"You would not learn, you would not grow,

The walk of faith, you would not know.

 

So I got tired, I got fed up,

And there I dropped you on your butt.

"Because in life, there comes a time,

When one must fight, and one must climb.

When one must rise and take a stand,

Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

               - Author unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Atheist in Trouble

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing
when suddenly his boat was attacked by the
Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast
tossed him and his boat high into the air.
Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out,
"Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place,
and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming
voice came down from the clouds,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!"
the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago
I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting Into Heaven

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the
Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting for Saint Peter
to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a
beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and
who had died before her. 

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!"
"Good to see you!" 

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
"This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" 

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. 

"Which word?" the woman asked.

The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint
Peter welcomed her into heaven. 

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the
woman and asked her to watch the Gates of
Heaven for him that day. 

While the woman was guarding the Gates
of Heaven, her husband arrived. 

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.
"How have you been?" 

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,"
her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young
nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And
then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and
I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation and
I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head,
and here I am. How do I get in?" 

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. 

"Which word?" her husband asked. 

"Czechoslovakia."


BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER:
We recognize that religious humor can be risky.
It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others)
we can make this subject more approachable
Beliefnet
*******************
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers "

This one is for all of who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point,
she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said,
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring
at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
The Humor Network

NASA and the Navajo

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project,
it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation
in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across
the space crew walking among  the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.

His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing
for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder
got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give
to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he
saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to 
get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone
were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed
uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the
NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village 
and played it for other members of the tribe.
They too laughed long and loudly but also refused
to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was
summoned. After he finally stopped laughing
the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these assholes.
They have come to steal your land."

New Drugs for Women

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world
can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by
reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how
you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and prevents conception.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to
such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be
a better person. Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too
eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

Submitted by J.Q.

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